11:30-12

It's been a while since I've posted.
My lover wen't to watch a film; was going to end between 11:30 and 12.
now it's 1:40
either she's fallen asleep, she's blacked out or the film is just exceptionally long.
but I have a problem; I take sleep medication.
It's so hard for me to stay awake this late. every 5 minutes i just daze into sleep and then wake up five minutes later, in a mad scramble to check my phone incase she's came.
9/10 times, se hasn't.
I wish we could both sleep proper hours; she doesn't because she can't, she's not used to it. But she should. It's healthy, no matter what the fuck she says. I can't sleep proper hours because all I want to do before I sleep is tell her that I love her.
Oh.
tonight before she wen't to watch a film, she didn't say it. maybe just forgot, maybe didn't see my message.
I'm overreacting. but I'm worried. and I'm upset.
I love her. I really do. but I can't sleep, which means I can't function at school properly, and I don't go to gym because I'm so tired.
We used to talk every night but recently she hasn't been able to. It's killing me.
I love her. but it's so hard to stay awake.

Hmph.

Sup blog. Been a while.
So like right now it's 3:35AM. I can't sleep.
I'm staying with my father for a bit; Stella (sister, 3 yrs) woke up. Which means we all wake up. Sad face.
That was 2 hours ago.
Anyway, to the point of my long awaited entry.
I FUCKING MISS MY SIONAINNE.
We've been apart for 2 days and already i can't take it.
I love that bitch. I fucking love her.
She stayed at my house for a few days before departing; which was amazing.
If only she didn't have to leave.
Sad face.
So now im sleeping alone, in a tiny, dodgy hotel bed. No lover.
Ffs.

I love her.
I wish i could be with her right now.
If only.
ffs.

Sleep.

I sleep.
She doesn't.
She has her phone taken off her.
I don't.
Usually she goes down to get her phone after her mother goes to sleep.
It's been two and a Half hours. I'm about to pass out. I need to sleep.
But I need her.
Wut do.
I took my sleep medication about two hours ago, expecting her to come back a lot sooner.
Staying awake is really, really hard.
Fucksakes.

In other news, changed out of art into Film TV.
Great change.
Changed from Maths A into Maths B
Worst idea ever.
Fucksakes.

Still getting guilt tripped by mother for stuff to do with my car.
Still getting guilted about school.
Being abused about education and grades.
Fucksakes.


Fucksakes.

Writing writing Writing.

Nothing to do. So writing out my day.
Woke up at 6:30. Went back to sleep.
Woke up at 6:40. Went back to sleep.
Woke up at 6:50. Went back to sleep.
Woke up at 7:00. Went back to sleep.
Woke up at 7:10. Had a shower. Listened to The Misfits in the shower, like everyday. I listen to the same album every day when I shower; Famous Monsters by The Misfits. I start at the song 'Forbidden Zone' and usually finish the shower around 'Saturday Night' or 'Witch Hunt'.
Got dressed. Engaged jumper. Left the house. Met up with M, friend I walk to school with every day. Got to school.
Saw S. Went over to S. Hugged and Headbutt'd. Chat.
Bell rang. Walked to the hall. Sat in the hall for about half an hour.
Chemistry. Practical lesson. Easy. Helped friend understand Molar Mass and measurements.
CAD. Continued work on Banner.
Recess. Walked up to the Head of Whatever's office to organize forms for subject change. All good.
Art Class. Boring. Changing out of Art, into Film and Television Studies.
Lunch. S got me a new knife. <3. More chilling. Because I have nothing else to do aside from chillin' with S.
IPT to finish the day. Ahead of the whole class for IPT. Yay.
Walked home with S. She got on her bus, and I walked the whole way.
Home now.
Doing homework. Not really, writing this. Nothing else to do.
Fun yeah?
Didn't think so.

I miss S. Saw her an hour ago, but i want to see her more D;
I'm staying at her house Thursday night. Thank the lawd.

NO Choice.
NO Responsibility.
NO Trust.
NO Worth.
NO Use.
NO Bother.
NO Thing.

Useless.
Fucking useless.

School.

I got a C for chemistry, art and english.
My mother is not happy.
For the past two weeks I've been getting intense abuse. From mother and father. Also, mother chooses to embarrass me in front of family and friends, because of my grades.
I get told I'm useless. I'm lazy. I'm worthless. I'm a waste. I'll never amount to anything .
All of that would be fine if I didn't give a shit.
But I do. These are my first senior exams; first I've ever done. I was so scared, and then the results came and I have to deal with this.
Every day.
And for a lot of days to come.
I can't cope with it. I can't deal with it. I can't.
It's killing me.

I've been hospitalized before for stress, anxiety and depression. I don't want to be again.
But I lose control.
And every day, my grip weakens.

I need her. She gets me through it all. She Is what calms me down. What makes me happy. What makes everything okay. But she can't be here. And she doesn't have her phone. Fuck.
Fuck.

I need her.
I need her touch.
I need her taste.
I need her smell.
I need her voice.
I need her to tell me everything's okay, even though nothings wrong.
I need to hold her in my arms, and never let go.
I need to lock lips with her, hold and release. Repeatedly.
I need our tongues to dance in-between our teeth.
I need to see her.
I need her smile.
I need her eyes.
I need her.
I need to be with her.

I Love her.