Sleep.

I sleep.
She doesn't.
She has her phone taken off her.
I don't.
Usually she goes down to get her phone after her mother goes to sleep.
It's been two and a Half hours. I'm about to pass out. I need to sleep.
But I need her.
Wut do.
I took my sleep medication about two hours ago, expecting her to come back a lot sooner.
Staying awake is really, really hard.
Fucksakes.

In other news, changed out of art into Film TV.
Great change.
Changed from Maths A into Maths B
Worst idea ever.
Fucksakes.

Still getting guilt tripped by mother for stuff to do with my car.
Still getting guilted about school.
Being abused about education and grades.
Fucksakes.


Fucksakes.

Writing writing Writing.

Nothing to do. So writing out my day.
Woke up at 6:30. Went back to sleep.
Woke up at 6:40. Went back to sleep.
Woke up at 6:50. Went back to sleep.
Woke up at 7:00. Went back to sleep.
Woke up at 7:10. Had a shower. Listened to The Misfits in the shower, like everyday. I listen to the same album every day when I shower; Famous Monsters by The Misfits. I start at the song 'Forbidden Zone' and usually finish the shower around 'Saturday Night' or 'Witch Hunt'.
Got dressed. Engaged jumper. Left the house. Met up with M, friend I walk to school with every day. Got to school.
Saw S. Went over to S. Hugged and Headbutt'd. Chat.
Bell rang. Walked to the hall. Sat in the hall for about half an hour.
Chemistry. Practical lesson. Easy. Helped friend understand Molar Mass and measurements.
CAD. Continued work on Banner.
Recess. Walked up to the Head of Whatever's office to organize forms for subject change. All good.
Art Class. Boring. Changing out of Art, into Film and Television Studies.
Lunch. S got me a new knife. <3. More chilling. Because I have nothing else to do aside from chillin' with S.
IPT to finish the day. Ahead of the whole class for IPT. Yay.
Walked home with S. She got on her bus, and I walked the whole way.
Home now.
Doing homework. Not really, writing this. Nothing else to do.
Fun yeah?
Didn't think so.

I miss S. Saw her an hour ago, but i want to see her more D;
I'm staying at her house Thursday night. Thank the lawd.

NO Choice.
NO Responsibility.
NO Trust.
NO Worth.
NO Use.
NO Bother.
NO Thing.

Useless.
Fucking useless.

School.

I got a C for chemistry, art and english.
My mother is not happy.
For the past two weeks I've been getting intense abuse. From mother and father. Also, mother chooses to embarrass me in front of family and friends, because of my grades.
I get told I'm useless. I'm lazy. I'm worthless. I'm a waste. I'll never amount to anything .
All of that would be fine if I didn't give a shit.
But I do. These are my first senior exams; first I've ever done. I was so scared, and then the results came and I have to deal with this.
Every day.
And for a lot of days to come.
I can't cope with it. I can't deal with it. I can't.
It's killing me.

I've been hospitalized before for stress, anxiety and depression. I don't want to be again.
But I lose control.
And every day, my grip weakens.

I need her. She gets me through it all. She Is what calms me down. What makes me happy. What makes everything okay. But she can't be here. And she doesn't have her phone. Fuck.
Fuck.

I need her.
I need her touch.
I need her taste.
I need her smell.
I need her voice.
I need her to tell me everything's okay, even though nothings wrong.
I need to hold her in my arms, and never let go.
I need to lock lips with her, hold and release. Repeatedly.
I need our tongues to dance in-between our teeth.
I need to see her.
I need her smile.
I need her eyes.
I need her.
I need to be with her.

I Love her.

See other couples kissing casually on the grounds.
Why can't we be like that.
Fucking secrecy. Was good. Now all I want to do is hold her close.
But no.

Ehh

Sitting at lunch.
We're both just sitting here. She told me she can't stay over this weekend.
Damn.
I wanted her to stay over saturday night. I turn 17 on Friday, and she's the only person I ever want to spend time with.
But she's gotta go to innisfail on sunday morning so she can't stay at my place.
Damn. So not doin anything for my birthday, yet again.
Although who cares. It's just a date that signifies another year of human survival. Nothing significant.
Well. Not to me.
Just pissed that she can't stay over. Outside school we can only really hang out on weekends; my mother doesn't allow me to do anything.
So if she's busy, I have nothing to do.
So now we're just sitting here.
Ass on the bench, chin on the rail. Staring out into the school.
Nothing to do. Nothing to say.
Sharing silence.

Point of blog and whatever

So. I was bored.
I have nothing to do.
And I have this weird liking to having personal information on the internet. I don't know why; I like sharing things i guess.
Anyway. I don't have many people i talk to about personal things, and i thought that writing all this shit out on the internet would be a good outlet. So thats what I'll do.
Mainly stuff about my Love. We're quiet about it for various reasons, and I kinda need a way to express my feelings about stuff. Cos I'm a girl like that.

We've been together for almost two months. We've come so far in this two months; I feel much stronger about her than with any other girl I've ever been with. I care about her more than I've ever cared about anyone or anything in my life. I want to live with this girl forever, and If she lets me, Marry her.
During the first two to three weeks of out relationship, We had sex. It was her first time; not mine. In my opinion, I think we shouldn't have. For me, Sex is something amazing, something sentimental and the most loving thing you can share with someone. But, she wanted it. So we did it. Didn't finish. which was interesting. *Cough* a sign?
Anyway. I'd do it now. I'd give anything to do it now. But strangely we haven't since. I feel the need to show her how i feel; prove my love to her. I don't know why, it's just who I am. So I want to make her feel better than she ever has in her life. Physically, Emotionally and Mentally. It will be my complete goal in life to make sure she is as happy as I can possibly make her.

For us, Sex and physical enjoyment come in the form of pain. We both are a little masochistic. Well. She LOVES the pain. Every time we're alone i bite her. belt her. strangle her. her thighs are almost permanently purple. as is her belly. We both wish that i could devour her neck; but Parentals would have problems with that obviously. So we deal with it.

It's amazing. I stay over at her house; we collect my blood, drink both of ours. I bruise her up. On occasion I've been tempted to tie her up; She says she'd like it and I'd love to see how it'd pan out. But there's time for everything.

Anyway. That brings you reasonably up to speed. Strange people who read about my personal life.

His Name is Robert Paulson...

Hi. Not sure how to start this but here goes I guess.
My name is Robert Paulson.
No it's not. I stole that from the movie Fight Club. If I refer to myself, it'll probably be as O. Because I'm so crafty like that.
Anyway.
Wanted to start blog. Post about my life on the Internet.
So here's some basic shit about me.

----10 Things About Me---
(for those of you who give a fuck)
1) I love computers.
I've been using PCs for my whole life. I was running MS DOS before I could ride a bike. I've alway had an infatuation with computers and technlogy in general; probably comes from my dad.
2) My parents divorced.
Multiple times. My mother and father split up when I was around 8. I don't have any memories of all of us being together. Mother remarried, and divorced again. She remarried and is currently in a relationship with that man. My father remarried and is still with her.
3) I have 3 sisters.
One of my sisters is to my blood mother and father. The other two are offspring from my Father and his current wife.
4) I play Guitar.
Acoustic, electric and bass.
5) I self mutilate.
Not because I think my life should end, or anything. I cut my thighs because I love the feeling. The rush of the blood, the smell. The taste. The sting of the cut and burn of bandaging it. Mmm.
6) I was born on the 15th July, 1994.
Irrelevant personal info
7) I live in Australia.
far north Queensland; City called Cairns
8) I have many friends.
But outside school I don't socialize with them. Aside from a select few.
9) music is my life.
I listen to music 24/7, I play music, I (attempt) to sing.
10) I love my girlfriend.
I hate calling her my girlfriend, but 'I love my Lover' sounds a bit weird. She will be the topic of most of this. I will refer to her as S